Some months ago, I went through a disconnection phase with my partner. I choose to call it that because I wanted to get away from him and figure out my life. I felt like I was becoming too dependent on him. The feeling that he was around became one that tortured me. This was a difficult process for me because I made up my mind to walk away. I thought that being with him made me lose myself.
If you are my partner and you’re reading this, know that I love you very much but this was truly how I felt. For those of you nodding and agreeing with me on this, let’s talk…
At this point, I and my partner had no issues. There were no fights between us but I had a heavy heart. Something was weighing me down and I couldn’t place my hand on it.
What did I feel?
I felt all sorts of things. At some point, I thought I was drowning in depression. This was very weird for me because I was very sure that I had found my balance around the beginning of this year. I was feeling a lot better about myself and my life was actually going great. So when I was panicking most of the time, I became confused. I was panicking that my life was not where I wanted it to be – panicking about not being able to do more for him as a partner despite all he had done for me.
I’m not sure what point exactly I started to have negative feelings towards him but I know that it all started from not feeling like I was doing enough with myself.
You see, my partner is my “partner”, literally. He is my number one fan and encourages me to do anything and everything. He’s someone that will get angry when I miss a deadline like it was his website I was managing. He’s very dedicated to being my manager and my assistant all at once. His encouragement has honestly been a strong backing for me because sometimes, YRN just doesn’t feel like being YRN.
So how did I ever feel like he was bad for me?
I woke one morning and asked myself “Who are my friends?”. “Do I even have friends?” , “Where are they?”
I cried that day. I wanted to talk and I wanted to talk to anybody but him. I wanted to go out with people that were not him. I wanted to have fun and enjoy myself without him in sight. As much as I wanted to create “our memories” I wanted, more than anything, to create mine – without him in the picture.
I remember calling him to break things up and feeling like sh$t! I hated what I was doing and I wanted to blame it all on him.
What did I do?
I called my best friend.
Yes! I have a best friend. We’ve been very distant lately and somehow I didn’t know what to call our relationship. I still don’t know, to be very honest, but I called her. Sadly, she was going through her own stuff but just hearing her voice that day made me realize something…
Everybody is going though their own stuff. You only truly got yourself.
That was all I could think of. I can’t always just have emotional outbursts and look for someone to stress with my issues.
After talking to her, I sat down and did something else….
I asked God to reveal the truth to me. I asked Him to show me a way out of this misery I found myself in and asked for His Wisdom and Direction through this period. Then….
Writing is my outlet. A pen and a paper absolutely works magic in my life no matter what I’m going through. I wrote down the things I was feeling and carefully realized the root of my emotions.
- I hated that I could not afford stuff
- I hated that I didn’t have a job
- I hated that most times, I hung around people I met through my partner
- I sha sha did not have money
I sat down and I chose to do better. Find more means of income. This year, the pressure has been much. I promised myself that I will do only the things I love and then money will spring up from them. It was so much more easier when said. The truth is that, I didn’t even know how to turn my easiest skills into money making ventures.
I had to choose to make that move and I must say, I am very proud I did.
I decided to put in more effort to actually get to know people. It doesn’t matter if I met them through someone. It really doesn’t matter who introduced us. The most important part of a relationship is the people involved. I started becoming more aware of the people around me. Who I wanted to keep and who I didn’t. I actually had friends! I was just busy overthinking it.
Fortunately for me, I had a partner that knows a lot of people. It is only normal that we’ll have mutual friends and that those will spring up more. He’s met people from me as I have too … so what’s the fuss?
And finally, I chilled…
By the time I was done with this assessment, I forgot that I even cried. LOL!
I just jejely enjoyed the rest of my day. Truth is I have friends. They might not always be with me and we may be in different parts of the world but I love them still. I have loved ones. I have old friendships that I’d love to rekindle.
I’m not lonely.
There’s no point wasting time thinking of what could have been when there are opportunities staring you in the eye.
- Smile at a stranger – it could be the link to your new friendship
- Talk to a stranger – they may just be your new best friend
- Talk to a child – they’re really friendly
- Go out – new friends won’t appear in your bedroom
- Allow people to talk to you
- Allow conversations flow
- Know what you want – I didn’t ask you to befriend everybody. Stop and ask yourself what and who you want in your circle of friends and stick to it
- Affirm that you have a good support system and group
- Enjoy your life – they’ll meet you there